Here, Let Me Help: Mascara Edition

If you’ve never noticed, the subtitle of my blog is, “A Guide to Life and Other Quandaries.” As you can tell from previous posts, I am full of all kinds of knowledge. And you should definitely listen to me because, as I’ve mentioned before, I have a website. On the internet. That’s basically like a Ph.D.. So, perk those ears up people, ’cause you’re about to get a dose of the ol’ Crutchfield learning magic.

I’ve decided to start a new series called “Here, Let Me Help,” wherein I give you all kinds of advice you didn’t ask for. You’re welcome, kittens. I know there aren’t enough people with opinions this days. I’m here to fix that.

First up in the “Here, Let Me Help” catalog: mascara.

Now, now, not everyone uses mascara, but if you do, you’ve likely run in to a host of problems. The mascara must be scrubbed from your face like barnacles from a ship’s hull. The mascara flakes and leaves black streaks like you’re a member of KISS. It gets all clumpy and looks like you put fake spider legs on your eyes. “Bahhhh!” you say as you shake your fist at the sky.

KISS members in full make up on stage.
The KISS look may not be the one you’re aiming for.

Well, fist-shake no more, readers. Instead, let me help. This mascara here, L’oréal Paris Double Extend Beauty Tubes Mascara, to-ta-lly works.


L'oréal Paris Double Extend Beauty Tubes Mascara
This business is legit.

This will not flake. At all. Like, not even after you leave it on for three days because you’re too lazy to wash your face. (Not that I’ve done that.) It also won’t run, not even a little!, if you cry in your kid’s pediatrician’s office. (Not that I’ve done that either, I just think maybe you’ll  do that some day.) You don’t have to break out crazy chemicals to get it off either. Just put some warm water on your closed eyes and pull it off gently.

I don’t know what’s in the stuff—probably fairy blood and magic spells from Michelle Obama—but it’s so great that I don’t even care. (Sorry innocent fairies.)

So there you go. You’re all squared away with your mascara needs, ladies and gents. Need advice on something else? Ask away. I’m here to help.

I didn’t get paid to write any of this because that’s not a thing around these parts. (That doesn’t mean you *can’t* pay me, L’oréal. Especially if you use chocolate as currency. Preferably this.) These are my honest little opinions straight from my heart/brain area. If you could gaze into my perky little perfectly-mascaraed eyes you’d see nothing but sincerity. 

Here, Let Me Help: Mascara Edition

And This, Fine Folks, is an EP Review: Rodesodes by Creepy Pizza

Guys…this is fun. For real.

Okay, so I got a message from cool guy and owner of Way Grimace records, Sean Duncan the other day. He asked if I wanted to take a listen to an EP being released by the label. He literally described it as “dark, old Nintendo dance music.” Hmmm…

Now, I don’t know how you were raised, but if someone asks me to listen to dark, old Nintendo dance music I kinda have to, right? Because what the deuce is that? Good thing I was saying yes to life!, and yes to listening requests that day because it’s kinda great. How, you say? Well, let me tell you.

The eight track EP, Rodesodes, is a fun romp through what seems to be the entire archive of Casio keyboard sounds, set to steady driving beats that lure you into a magical, digital dream land wherein you use the marimba to fight bad guys in leather pants. The steady stomp of “Trip Chips” gives way to a subtle groove in “Challah Back”, which fades into a staccato vibe reminiscent of early 90s rap in the third track, “Farfel.” Each song, though distinct in its own way, gives a similar feeling, and I can see why Sean describes it as Nintendo dance music. It’s fun, campy, and rhythmic, but more grounded than the grating tunes you endured while trying to get to level 10. It’s video game music, elevated. Some of the tracks, like “Rode Sodes”, have sections that remind me of Dance Dance Revolution. In a good way.

Rodesodes manages to simulate music that could absolutely drive you out of your mind without ever actually being obnoxious. Instead, the EP stays on the good side quirky with each energetic keyboard run and tireless bass line.

If that description’s not enough, let me give you three reasons why you might like this music.

1. The artist is called Creepy Pizza.

Ummm…awesome. It makes me feel awesome saying it. Creepy Pizza. Creepy Pizza. You try it. See? Fun, right? And you know I have a thing for band names. Creepy Pizza is almost as good as the other band I’m in, Pleasure Holiday.

2. It makes you feel peppy.

Did you notice how chipper this post is? I’m listening to Creepy Pizza, right now, y’all. Specifically, track 5, “Caserosmith.” I totally want to kick the air or jog in place in front of a mirror or do some jazzercise or something. Except I hate to exercise. But if it weren’t for that I’d totally be doing jumping jacks and faux-break dancing.

3. No lyrics = good for working.

If you’re trying to write or concentrate, sometimes all the words get in the way. Like that song, The Words Get In the Way. Can anyone get anything done with those lyrics rambling through your brain? Gloria Estefan, curse you and your tender songwriting! But not with Rodesodes. Nope, between the distraction-free soundscape and the pep-making I mentioned earlier, this is music for taking over the world.

So, those are my thoughts on this snazzy EP. And now my thoughts are published on the internet, so you should probably listen to them. Leave your thoughts and feelings on Creepy Pizza below (it’s interactive!). Oh, and for posterity’s sake, you should know that I didn’t receive any payment for this review. That is, aside from the feather boa and four pounds of saffron, but Sean was going to send those to me anyway. People send me boas and spices, like, all the time.

And This, Fine Folks, is an EP Review: Rodesodes by Creepy Pizza