All Hail Old Lady Crutchfield

I'll be like this fine looking woman, but older, and possibly meaner, and likely a little tipsy.

I was sifting through my blog feed when I came across this article from the LA Times on Bloody Marys, which reminded me that Bloody Marys are one of my favorite drinks. They’re so delicious and strange. Refreshing but fiery (if they’re made right). Bloody Marys are the perfect blend of getting schnookered and pretending that you’re eating vegetables. They are also a key element in the role I plan to play  later in life—Old Lady Crutchfield.

Bloody Mary
Image by holisticmonkey @ Flickr

For your amusement (and since this is the best idea rattling around in my attic-like mind) I shall now detail the fabulous life I intend to live in my winter years. Those years are going to be splendid for me, but mostly questionable or possibly unenjoyable for those around me. I think this is fine, because it is my firmly held belief that old people earn the right to kinda do whatever the crap they want to. So, my plan is to take the fullest advantage of this belief when the time comes.

The first element in the grand scheme that is Old Lady Crutchfield, is a porch. Preferably with a rocking chair. Like this one here, but with less of a “someone gone get keeled in the woods” feel.

Doesn't that look nice?

Next, we need Bloody Marys. Duh. And lots of them. I plan on drinking them kinda all the time. I mean…what? Is some youngster really going to try to pry a Bloody Mary from my wrinkly, determined claw? I think not. So I’ll be drinking them a lot.

So, a rocker and some drinks…not a rough start. But here’s where I might lose you—I also want to spread rumors around the neighborhood that it’s not tomato juice in my drink, but ground up little kids! Bwua-ha-ha-ha-ha! Too add to the effect, I’ll keep some little smokies in a bowl of tomato juice to fling at kids when they come a-knockin’. They’ll be too focused on not peeing their pants to inspect the thing thoroughly, thus ensuring a furthering of the neighborhood lore.

Now, you might wonder why I would chose torture children in this way. And I’ll admit, it sounds mean at first. But I’m not just scaring the bejesus out of tomorrows youths (though this is a fun side effect), I’m giving them an enemy to rally against. I’m giving them an entity so great and terrifying that they will be forced to set aside their petty differences for the sake of the common good. Geeks, cool kids, saxophone players and D&D enthusiasts alike will forge alliances in a vain attempt to defeat me (of course this could never happen, because Old Lady Crutchfield is immune to death). And if the tiny tyrants decide to toss one of their own under the bus and send him up to my house to be eaten, I’ll bring him inside, give him some cookies, then send him out covered in tomato sauce so he can be donned “The One That Survived”. It’s for the common good. The common good.

What about you? What are your favorite drinks/plans for your wrinkly future?

All Hail Old Lady Crutchfield

7 thoughts on “All Hail Old Lady Crutchfield

  1. laurie allen says:

    I sure get so much enjoyment reading your views/ideas/aspirations, etc. Melanie! As for getting crochtety, I’m moving into my “Fall” years and yes, the drinking is good (now that kids are out, I can drink like a sailor)! but razzing the kids, I’m not sure about that cuz those young kids grow up to be nasty teenagers. So be nice to them, you never know when you’ll need them to make a 7-11 run for you for more Bloody Mary mix😀 I’ve got memories of razzing the old lady who lived next door to us. Me and my brother would sneak up to her house and look into her mailbox that was attached through her house. We’d crack up seeing her in her crotchety old lady undies – ewwwww – I better go shopping hahaha! Love you! Laurie


  2. there’s only one thing missing from this story: me.

    AND, seriously, by the time we get that old, kids will just murder old people for being crotchety. you better be prepared for more than a poo extinguishing kit.


  3. Chrissy Corrao says:

    “life I intend to live in my winter years”- funniest thing I have read in a while! My wrinkly years? Probably just be miserable- that’s my plan.


  4. stephen says:

    Melanie – we had a lady like your future self in my neighborhood when I was a kid – we used to fill paper bags full of dog crap, douse them in lighter fluid, put them on her front porch, light them, ring the door bell and run. The fun was in hiding and watching her come out – bloody in hand – and try to stamp out the burning bags of excrement with her feet. You are warned!


    1. The advantage of coming up with a plan to be a crotchety old maid while you’re still in your 30s is that you have time to prepare for things like this. Adding to my mental list of old lady supplies: poo extinguishing kit. Come and get me, kids.


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