Hear ye! Hear ye! The following is a Royal Decree from her Majesty Princess Chubbila Stinkerton III on her first birthday. Should any deviation from this decree occur, her Majesty’s discontent will be made known with a loud wail.
- Toys are no longer accepted in the presence of the princess; only trash, or items of formidable danger, preferably those shaped like the windpipe. Do not attempt to remove items from the hands of the princess at any time.
- Anyone who attempts to remove excrement from the princess’ nether regions shall have their murder plotted forthwith.
- Tasks of any importance that do not revolve around the pleasure of the princess shall not be tolerated.
- If the princess desires what you have, you shall relinquish it.
- The princess desires what you have.
- The princess shall utilize the magic of a forest troll to detect any sense of relaxation. Such senses will be vanquished.
- The princess’ pinky nail shall never be trimmed under any circumstances. The caretaker shall receive the shame of others who do not allow their charges to look as if they have a drug habit.
If you succeed in holding up these tenants, you will be rewarded with signs of affection. They will be hug-like and kiss-like in nature, and they will be coated in thick slobber and food remnants. Do not offend the princess by wiping said slobber from your face in her presence.
p.s. Happy birthday Princess Stinkerton. We’re exceedingly blessed by your ridiculous self. Love you to bits.