Things You *Really* Shouldn’t Say To Your Kids

I just read this blog post over at Abandoning Pretense in which Kristen Mae gives the thumbs down to all those “Things You Should Never Say to Your Kids” lists floating about, and I was like, “Whew! Thank God someone is letting me off the hook.” I’m all for people pursuing positive parenting with patience and aplomb (sorry, got a little carried away with the alliteration there), but never? NEVER?

“Never” reinforces this sort of oops-you-did-this-BUZZ!-now-you’re-a-terrible-parent vibe that I’m basically totally sick of. Like, I’m barfing guilt already, people. Let’s take it easy. Kristen sums up my feelings at the end:

Most of us are working really hard at being the best parents we can be, and we’re doing a pretty bang-up job of it, too. We are good parents.

Yeah. So take that, internet jerks.

That said, there really ARE some things you probably shouldn’t say to your kids. I’ll list them out, in case you’re just about to say any of this. It takes a village, after all.

Word Graphic - Things You Really Shouldn't Say to Your Kids

Things You *Really* Shouldn’t Say to Your Kids

1. Finish your cocaine or I’ll feed you to my shark.

2. I regret letting the aliens drink your blood every night. Tuesdays? Yes. Every night? Too much.

3. Sometimes I watch you sleeping at night and just cry. Oh, no…not in the good way.

4. Heads up: I’m gonna be real drunk at this parent/teacher conference.

5. Wanna take the cinnamon challenge?

6. Take the cinnamon challenge or I’ll feed you to my shark.

7. Hold this land mine real quick.

8. I wish you were more like your sister, if your sister was like someone else’s kid.

9. Hey! That stove is hot! Ehhh…go ahead. We have insurance.

10. Feed my shark or I’ll feed you to my shark.

If you’re saying any of those things, you probably are a terrible parent. Take your internet shame, you! Take it and like it!

p.s. you’re subscribed to Abandoning Pretense, right? Because you should NEVER tell your kid not to subscribe to Abandoning Pretense.

Things You *Really* Shouldn’t Say To Your Kids

26 thoughts on “Things You *Really* Shouldn’t Say To Your Kids

  1. This list makes me want to have children just so I can say all those things to them. Especially Number 8. That’s my favorite. I’m giggling just thinking about it!
    Still…my BFF yelled at her kid to stop being a stupid weirdo one morning in a fit of…well, it was one of those mornings. And he’s mostly fine now, 10 years later.
    My mom said she’d sell us to the gypsies (instead of feeding us to sharks because, come on, we live in a landlocked state and were smart enough to know no shark would fit in our bathtub) and we are all very well-adjusted and normal. Mostly me. I am highly normal.
    Ergo, I’m pretty sure it’s probably ok to say most of these things to kids, too. Aaaaand, that is why I have none of my own. I do not make good decisions.


  2. Kenja says:

    Love love this!!! I am also sick of most of the “never” lists, from “things you should never say to a pregnant woman” to “things you should never say to your boss.” And I’m also glad to know that someone else threatens to feed their kids to their shark. Mine is pretty small, but he’s hungry. :)


  3. “…if your sister was like someone else’s kid.”
    Ahahahaaaa! I am never going to say that but I will greatly enjoy thinking it in my wicked little hidden deep down subconscious brain on days when the kids are being unmitigated shits. And it will cause me to smile, and throw them off guard because Mummy was reallly angry but then suddenly she went quiet and grinned and it will freak them out. Point to Mum.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. The comments aren’t working and I’m too tired (maybe the comments are working but my computer isn’t???) I was trying to say how awesome you are. twice. Please tag me in tweets tomorrow. I’m sorry – I’m on east coast time. must sleep. I adore you.


  5. LOL! I think if you’ve gone to all that trouble of having children, really how bad can you be at something that’s been done since the beginning of humanity? I get that there are bad parents out there, but really if you’re even thinking or feeling guilty about being one, you probably aren’t a bad person, nor even a bad parent :) Bad parents would never even consider guilt or shame. So let it go! Kudos to all parents…(and the rug-rats who are threatened with being “Shark-Food’ haha!)


    1. PSA: Many people don’t have to go to too much trouble to have kids. In fact, some people are like, “This wine is tasty! Let’s have fun! [fun happens, 9 months pass] Ohmigod, a baby!”

      I totally agree with you that if you’re thinking about whether or not you’re being a bad parent, you’re probably doing just fine.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. haha, the “surprise parents”…yup I think this how a good portion of humanity has arrived on earth via wine/booze lol and thank goodness for that! I know with my mum, she struggled for thirteen years to have me, so “surprise parents” or those who hafta work a little harder at it, keep up the good work :D


  6. Mike C. says:

    Awesome!! Though I have wished for my children to try the cinnamon challenge so that I could film it. None have attempted it yet. so 9 out of 10???


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