Things You *Really* Shouldn’t Say To Your Kids

I just read this blog post over at Abandoning Pretense in which Kristen Mae gives the thumbs down to all those “Things You Should Never Say to Your Kids” lists floating about, and I was like, “Whew! Thank God someone is letting me off the hook.” I’m all for people pursuing positive parenting with patience and aplomb (sorry, got a little carried away with the alliteration there), but never? NEVER?

“Never” reinforces this sort of oops-you-did-this-BUZZ!-now-you’re-a-terrible-parent vibe that I’m basically totally sick of. Like, I’m barfing guilt already, people. Let’s take it easy. Kristen sums up my feelings at the end:

Most of us are working really hard at being the best parents we can be, and we’re doing a pretty bang-up job of it, too. We are good parents.

Yeah. So take that, internet jerks.

That said, there really ARE some things you probably shouldn’t say to your kids. I’ll list them out, in case you’re just about to say any of this. It takes a village, after all.

Word Graphic - Things You Really Shouldn't Say to Your Kids

Things You *Really* Shouldn’t Say to Your Kids

1. Finish your cocaine or I’ll feed you to my shark.

2. I regret letting the aliens drink your blood every night. Tuesdays? Yes. Every night? Too much.

3. Sometimes I watch you sleeping at night and just cry. Oh, no…not in the good way.

4. Heads up: I’m gonna be real drunk at this parent/teacher conference.

5. Wanna take the cinnamon challenge?

6. Take the cinnamon challenge or I’ll feed you to my shark.

7. Hold this land mine real quick.

8. I wish you were more like your sister, if your sister was like someone else’s kid.

9. Hey! That stove is hot! Ehhh…go ahead. We have insurance.

10. Feed my shark or I’ll feed you to my shark.

If you’re saying any of those things, you probably are a terrible parent. Take your internet shame, you! Take it and like it!

p.s. you’re subscribed to Abandoning Pretense, right? Because you should NEVER tell your kid not to subscribe to Abandoning Pretense.

About these ads
Leave a comment

26 Comments

  1. Holy crap…THIS IS HILARIOUS. And I kind of want to feed things to sharks right now.

    Like

    Reply
  2. I’m totally saying a few of these to my kids later. Well, the one who still lives at home, anyway.

    Like

    Reply
  3. This list makes me want to have children just so I can say all those things to them. Especially Number 8. That’s my favorite. I’m giggling just thinking about it!
    Still…my BFF yelled at her kid to stop being a stupid weirdo one morning in a fit of…well, it was one of those mornings. And he’s mostly fine now, 10 years later.
    My mom said she’d sell us to the gypsies (instead of feeding us to sharks because, come on, we live in a landlocked state and were smart enough to know no shark would fit in our bathtub) and we are all very well-adjusted and normal. Mostly me. I am highly normal.
    Ergo, I’m pretty sure it’s probably ok to say most of these things to kids, too. Aaaaand, that is why I have none of my own. I do not make good decisions.

    Like

    Reply
  4. Stephen Metcalfe

     /  March 19, 2014

    I like – “*if you say another **word **- just one!! – I am going to take you to El Cajon and drop you off in a Troll Zone. And I won’t come back.”*

    *To be sane in a mad time is bad for the brain, worse for the heart*

    *— Wendell Berry*

    http://www.stephenmetcalfe.net http://www.thedesperateman@blogspot.com

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  5. Brilliant!

    Like

    Reply
  6. Hilarious!! And I love Abandoning Pretense, too. So cool to see my fave blogs getting around. ^_^

    Like

    Reply
  7. Kenja

     /  March 19, 2014

    Love love this!!! I am also sick of most of the “never” lists, from “things you should never say to a pregnant woman” to “things you should never say to your boss.” And I’m also glad to know that someone else threatens to feed their kids to their shark. Mine is pretty small, but he’s hungry. :)

    Like

    Reply
  8. “…if your sister was like someone else’s kid.”
    Ahahahaaaa! I am never going to say that but I will greatly enjoy thinking it in my wicked little hidden deep down subconscious brain on days when the kids are being unmitigated shits. And it will cause me to smile, and throw them off guard because Mummy was reallly angry but then suddenly she went quiet and grinned and it will freak them out. Point to Mum.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  9. Monica Beck

     /  March 18, 2014

    seriously, you are so fun to read. So, write a book already, will ya! :)

    Like

    Reply
  10. The comments aren’t working and I’m too tired (maybe the comments are working but my computer isn’t???) I was trying to say how awesome you are. twice. Please tag me in tweets tomorrow. I’m sorry – I’m on east coast time. must sleep. I adore you.

    Like

    Reply
  11. I just died. You are so awesome! Sharing this tomorrow when people are awake (east coast). Please tag me in tweets so I don’t forget and so my followers see!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  12. This was the single most magical thing I could have read right now. Thanks for the chuckles, and hear, hear!

    Like

    Reply
  13. LOL! I think if you’ve gone to all that trouble of having children, really how bad can you be at something that’s been done since the beginning of humanity? I get that there are bad parents out there, but really if you’re even thinking or feeling guilty about being one, you probably aren’t a bad person, nor even a bad parent :) Bad parents would never even consider guilt or shame. So let it go! Kudos to all parents…(and the rug-rats who are threatened with being “Shark-Food’ haha!)

    Like

    Reply
    • PSA: Many people don’t have to go to too much trouble to have kids. In fact, some people are like, “This wine is tasty! Let’s have fun! [fun happens, 9 months pass] Ohmigod, a baby!”

      I totally agree with you that if you’re thinking about whether or not you’re being a bad parent, you’re probably doing just fine.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
      • haha, the “surprise parents”…yup I think this how a good portion of humanity has arrived on earth via wine/booze lol and thank goodness for that! I know with my mum, she struggled for thirteen years to have me, so “surprise parents” or those who hafta work a little harder at it, keep up the good work :D

        Like

        Reply
  14. Haha, I loved them all! Great post!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  15. I love your list so much!! Each one just got better and better! Your kids are lucky to have you as their mom! :)

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  16. Mike C.

     /  March 18, 2014

    Awesome!! Though I have wished for my children to try the cinnamon challenge so that I could film it. None have attempted it yet. so 9 out of 10???

    Like

    Reply
    • The cinnamon challenge is dangerous, sir. And now I’m suspicious about your potential shark ownership. I mean, if the cinnamon challenge is still on the table, what’s next? What. Is. Next?!

      Like

      Reply

Leave a Comment

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: