So, I signed up for twitter the other day, and it was entirely exhausting. This is less indicative of the experience of twitter than it is of my current mental state, which can turn even the most mundane of activities to a nightmarish hellscape. I mean, really, what does twitter need of me, anyway? Not even a paragraph, I tell you! Not even a paragraph. They just want tiny, fragmented thoughts jammed together in as little character space as possible. While being witty, of course. And adorable. Or powerfully compelling. Whatever your schtick is, melt it down to its basic elements and send it out to be judged/ignored/embraced as genius. No biggie.
The panic did not come, as you might imagine, when actually tweeting. I didn’t get that far. The panic came while choosing a handle.
Apparently, Melanie is not an uncommon name (who knew? Not me.), and all the Melanies already have the good twitter handles. Melanie? Taken. MelanieCrutchfield? Too long. (Though MelanieCrutchfie is available.) HiMelanie? Taken. HelloMelanie? Taken. JustMelanie? Taken. This is where I swear like a G-rated cartoon character, “$%&!# your stupid face, twitter!”
Here are some gems that were available, but I decided against:
- Melaniecholy (oh, isn’t that so very witty?)
- KITMelanie (It’s like signing a yearbook with twitter.)
These adjectives are more for food than people:
- SaltyMelanie
- ZestyMelanie
And here’s where I started perusing the “M” section of the dictionary:
- Mach1Melanie
- MacroMelanie
- MicroMelanie
- MadlyMelanie
- MainlyMelanie
- MegaMelanie (I’m going to crush you!!)
And here’s when I started getting a little loopy about it:
PirateSnack? Available! Awesome! AssHat? Not available. Twitter suggestion: AssMelanie. Touché, twitter. Just because I can’t pick out a handle, doesn’t mean you have to get all nasty about it. Also unavailable: HellsMels, FelonyMelanie (which Kate told me sounded like a Garbage Pail Kid. Totally true.), and CrapBag (somebody is REAL proud of that one.).
I was SOoooo frustrated. And hot (because San Diego was obscenely hot last week). And that’s when I thought, “It’s hot as the dickens in here!” and then I wondered what “the dickens” meant. So I looked it up, and it’s euphemism for the devil, along with Old Scratch. OldScratch, which is also taken on twitter.
At this point I had gotten into a VERY long discussion on facebook about my whole quandary, and I was about to just give up and go for PirateSnack, when I discovered the closest thing to a good twitter handle that I can think of. You ready for it? Hmm? Hmm?
HelloMelanieC
I’m sad that I didn’t get to use PrincessCummerbund, or KarmaKitten, or—truly—PirateSnack, but I think that’ll do for now. Let’s go follow each other, okay? It’ll be super fun. You don’t want to miss out on these gems:
How did you come up with your twitter handle? Are you a lover? A hater? Spill! (In as many characters as you’d like.)
Alison
/ September 26, 2012I want to know who AssHat is!
I’ve changed my Twitter handle 4 times. Well, I signed up for Twitter twice. Let me explain. I joined Twitter way back when I had no blog. I was a sad panda because I had no followers and I was talking to myself and I was all, Stupid Twitter, you’re pointless. So I dumped it. (also I forget what handle I chose)
Then my husband persuaded me to rejoin the Twats because he opened an account for work purposes and “needed more followers”. So I relented (after being bribed with ice cream) and my handle was . This was before I started a blog.
Once I had a blog (gee whiz, FINALLY), I changed it to my blog name at the time, MamaWantsThis. Then I started getting twitchy when some people thought I was some porn star (the word ‘want’ creates all kinds of drama), so I changed it to what it is now – MY NAME.
You’d have thought I’ll start with that.
Welcome to Twitter!!!
Seyhan
/ September 24, 2012I live in turkey and I follow your blog. I read your articles all the time is a joy. Thank you.
Melanie Crutchfield
/ September 24, 2012You’re welcome! Thanks for reading—happy to have you here.
nataliedeyoung
/ September 24, 2012Um, I came up with my handle three years ago when I didn’t even know what twitter was, then signed up and proceeded not to use it for two and a half years. It’s kind of lame, but @singingfool was already taken, so I went with the clever @singingfool1224 (handle+birthday). I know, I know.
katybrandes
/ September 21, 2012FelonyMelanie sounds like a cool roller derby name. I chose #onlyintheozarks to match my FB photo album of all the weird sh …… uh, stuff I see around here.
Jillian
/ September 20, 2012I twitted. Once. In college. When my TA required it for us to get our assignments. :p
Jillian
/ September 19, 2012I think I am gonna get on twitter just to follow you. I think that crapbag might be Strong Bad…which is awesome. I would totally follow him.
Kristen Mae
/ September 19, 2012Ugh. I have to get on Twitter. I don’ wanna. I’m gonna. One day real soon here, and I mean it this time.
outlawmama
/ September 19, 2012Oh this is great. The handles kill me. Love your tweets.
Marie
/ September 19, 2012My Twitter handle is like my blog name CyberHouseRules and it makes me smile because of the obvious movie influence but also because everywhere I go online, I’m in cyber space, but its often MY cyber space. And that rules… I avoid using my full name anywhere. I find its a scary thought that some random stranger who happens to know my name and can stalk me online. But having absolute total strangers stalking me everywhere is cool. As long as they don’t know my name. Right?
p.s. its still pretty hot in SD! Even on Harbor Island. Which is freaky.
hollow tree ventures
/ September 19, 2012Hellz yeah I followed you! My twitter handle indecision was so bad that I eventually had to abandon my old account and start over because I hated the name so much (I can’t even remember – my initials and some numbers or something). Now it’s suuuuper original – my name and the initials of my blog name. Ta daaaa!
The Church State Guy (@ChurchStateGuy)
/ September 19, 2012No mention of SnarkyMelC… that was my fav. COnsider yourself followed.
Melanie Crutchfield
/ September 19, 2012It was a good option…did you see that someone has CatSmash?! Which is another good option.
Ericamos
/ September 19, 2012You were made for Twitter!! Your tweets crack me up! Back in the days, I used to be a hardcore Halo player (yes, that game on XBox), and I needed a name so I could play online against 12 year old boys. TheSchoolTeacher was too long, so against all my teacherly instincts, I went with TheSkoolTeacher. Around that same time, I created a Twitter account, and even though the correct spelling was *just* the right length *and* available, I had grown attached to my wonkily spelled name.
Melanie Crutchfield
/ September 19, 2012We’re both basikally kooler than skool. (And I hope you put those 12 year olds in their place.)
Ericamos
/ September 20, 2012Oh, you know I showed them! I showed them good.
becca3416
/ September 19, 2012At first it was simply my first and last name, but then my boss got Twitter. I decided to change it to @Becca25tofly, although I am not sure that would make it any less easy for him to find me. It helps me sleep at night though.
Melanie Crutchfield
/ September 19, 2012Maybe you can just tweet about your umployment/cave dwelling from time to time. Then your boss’ll be like, “That can’t be the person I work with…she’s unemployed and living in a cave.”
becca3416
/ September 19, 2012Worth a shot!
Honie Briggs
/ September 19, 2012HelloMelanieC – Nice! It’s friendly and direct, plus it sounds healthy, like vitamin C. Sadly, I need more than 140 characters to make a point, so, I don’t tweet. But, it’s great that you’ve identified the hardest part (the handle) right here for me in case I ever want to jump into the fray. I better start thinking about this.
Melanie Crutchfield
/ September 19, 2012I’d recommend a list of 50 good options, and then 50 more options that you come up with by smashing a cat on your keyboard. Oooh…CatSmash. Missed opportunity there.
Melanie Crutchfield
/ September 19, 2012Can you believe someone already HAS CatSmash? And they’re not even using it. For shame, @CatSmash. For shame.
Honie Briggs
/ September 19, 2012LOL, thanks
I’m working on that list right now. Really!
thekalechronicles
/ September 19, 2012I don’t tweet.
Melanie Crutchfield
/ September 19, 2012Yeah, I had been holding off, since I don’t want to become a crazy hermit selling drugs to pay for my social media habit, but I gave in. Trying to be savvy and whatnot.
normalfornorfolkblog
/ September 19, 2012Aw, me to Sara. I wish I had thought of using something witty, but then I would just get peoples hopes up that my tweets were worth being followed & I couldn’t have that on my concience. And thanks Melanie, you have reminded me of a Jalapeno incident I really should blog about..
Melanie Crutchfield
/ September 19, 2012Doesn’t everyone have a jalapeno incident? No? Hmm.
jerrod
/ September 19, 2012firstnamemiddleinitiallastinitial. Bam. Done.
And you will forever be FelonyMelanie to me. It’s adorable.
Melanie Crutchfield
/ September 19, 2012I’d prefer to be CompetantWriterWhoWontStarveToDeath, but FelonyMelanie is pretty similar.
Sara no "H"
/ September 19, 2012I have a really unusual last name so I didn’t have to endure the same tortures as you. Well done tho on finding a good one. I am sad ass hat was taken tho. That is awesome.
Melanie Crutchfield
/ September 19, 2012It’s kinda a weird day when more than one person is sad about not being called “AssHat.” The continual joys of the internet.