Our public servants are gleaming examples of how to succeed. They’ve pushed forward through adversity, overcome tremendous obstacles, and weathered the storms of life to get where they are today. Awe-inspiring. Tear-jerking. Eagle-spurring.
Thank you, politicians.
The last two weeks, both the Republican and Democratic parties have put on their Cirque du Serviteur and we’ve all had the fabulous opportunity to see their tactics in all their splendor and silliness. Now, because these people are our examples for success and responsibility in our societies, I think it’s best that we pay close attention to how they live, and try to live the same way.
To help us in this effort, I’ve adapted the aptitude and artistry of America’s finest citizens to a circumstance we will likely all face in our lives: the job interview. Aaaaaannnnnd…here we go:
Put a Bow on It
The first step is to make a nice, pretty, shiny package of yourself. You want something that is clean, and simple, but too abstract to actually say anything specific, but emotionally manipulative enough to make someone feel that if they don’t like it, they’re a terrible person. Eagles, stars, swoopy things—you should work in these elements as much as possible.
Boom. You’re gonna have to hire that.
History Doesn’t Matter—Your Version of History Does
Has your life thus far been rather unimpressive? Who cares?! Just don’t admit that on your resumé. Instead, take whatever banal, bland goings-on you have under your belt, and add a little razzmatazz. This is also known as “lying.” But we’re going to be doing that a lot here, so you should probably get over it. (And I do mean a lot, a lot. Not a little. Like, a truckload.) If you need some guidance on this, here are some options:
“Worked at McDonald’s” becomes “Fed the hungry with speed and efficiency.”
“Administrative Assistant” becomes “Organization Architect” where you were “the keystone for success in inter-departmental relations.”
“Crossing Guard” becomes “Guardian of Safety for the Youth of America”
“Sandwich Artist at Subway” can stay just the way it is—there’s no way to make it sound more pretentious. Well done, Subway.
Blow the Competition Out of the Water
You’ve bluffed your way to the interview. Now’s the time to really roll out the big guns. Here are some key phrases to really make an impression:
“I want to thank Jesus Christ for getting me this interview.”
“If I don’t save you enough money in my first three months here to buy a herd of elephants, you can fire me.” (Don’t worry about the “fire me” part. You can always just threaten to sue for discrimination, or fabricate a story about sexual harassment. There are lots of options here.)
“The applicants in the hallway are communists and plan to give all of your assets to lazy people. You’ll be out of business before anyone can say ‘herd of elephants.’”
“The applicants in the hallway kill babies. Now, that may not affect their work, but do you really want be in a workplace where people have to literally hide their kids?”
“The applicants in the hallway hate America. I know, I’m shocked, too.”
“The other applicants aren’t like you and me, Sally. They just. Don’t. Get it.”
“If you care about your family, your neighbors, your business, or—really—your life…you’ll do what’s right: you’ll hire me.”
After delivering that last line—the clincher—just get up, raise up your arms, smile, and wave off in the distance. Say, “Thank you! Thank you!” and do that hands-together-at-your-heart-falsely-humble bowing thing as you make your way out the door. Then, just wait for the congratulatory calls to come a-rollin’ in.
Well done, you brave Pinocchio, you! Well done.
Lots of thank-yous to the leadership of both the Republican and Democratic parties for doing some truly trailblazing work in the art of lying. Bravo.
Jillian
/ September 16, 2012It’s so sad. But I love it.
Maybe I should try this for real though – does seem to work pretty well… especially the killing babies line…
Melanie Crutchfield
/ September 16, 2012Try putting “didn’t kill babies” as a responsibility on your resume. Immmm-pressive.
Jillian
/ September 17, 2012ooooo – so true! Will do ^.^
Erica Schatz
/ September 14, 2012I can’t wait to pretend to be a politician at my next interview! Great post!
Good Enough
/ September 13, 2012I loved this! So true. A lot of lying. Because if it’s on fox, it must be true. I’ve become so jaded and…sad, I barely follow. What happened to caring about the future of our country, politicians?
Ahhhhhh!
outlawmama
/ September 12, 2012It’s so true and so depressing. Meanwhile, Libya. Ick. When can we all move to Canada? Or Mars.
Melanie Crutchfield
/ September 13, 2012Libya=super ick. I tried to write about it yesterday, but was too sad/angry for anything good to come of it. Boo hiss.
Marie
/ September 12, 2012I was actually thinking of doing the Sharon Osborne hand shaped into a heart thing when they showed me their hand to avoid shaking it. The last thing I want is for them to know just how nervous I am, nothing betrays nervousness like a clammy hand. But now that I’ve read this? Raising my arms and waving them is the way to go!
This is the best interview-grab-that-job-with-both-hands strategy ever. Why aren’t you writing for the job search guru websites of this world???
Melanie Crutchfield
/ September 13, 2012This is why people follow my blog. The practical, every day tips are totally worth the subscription cost.
Kristen Mae
/ September 12, 2012The is the best sarcastic article ever.
EVER.
Melanie Crutchfield
/ September 13, 2012Oh, Kristen. You always make me blush. And then I do a bunch of fist pumps.
nataliedeyoung
/ September 12, 2012I like your logo. Will you be appearing on the presidential ballot? Because I want to vote for you on the sole basis of your logo.
Melanie Crutchfield
/ September 13, 2012The country’s not ready for me yet. Planning on 2024.
hollybanks
/ September 12, 2012Agreed.. I’m waiting for sandwich artists to enter the Venice Biennale.
becca3416
/ September 12, 2012I’m trying this as soon as the opportunity presents itself.
Melanie Crutchfield
/ September 12, 2012Is now not a good time? Now seems like a good time.
becca3416
/ September 13, 2012I like your style.
Don't Quote Lily
/ September 12, 2012Agree with first commenter, this was awesome!
questrix
/ September 12, 2012Fantastic advice! Of course, I will have to ask for more money to hire a personal make-up artist, hairdresser, and live-in stylist since all the mirrors in my home will have to be taken down. After all, I won’t ever be able to look myself in the face again…I’m only PRETENDING to be a politician to get the job.
Honie Briggs
/ September 12, 2012Awesome!