Every now and again I have a conversation in my head with…say…a traffic light. Or the table. Or those bark-y dogs a few houses up from me. My brain clearly has some pretty piss poor decision-making skills, because if I weren’t having pretend conversations with the laundry, I could probably be inventing agriculture systems that can survive on Mars and we’d all be eating Martian carrots right now. I feel like I should apologize for that.
Anyway, I am who I am, and as such I was having a conversation the other day with Hurricane Isaac. It was in that conversation that I realized that if hurricanes were people, they’d be a-holes. See for yourself.
–
Me: Is that a goatee?
Isaac: Yeah, it looks awesome, doesn’t it? Imma score some ladies with this business.
Me: Awesome plan. Totally gonna work. That, or you’ll destroy everything you touch and people will make little voodoo hurricane dolls and hope you get hurricane STDs.
Isaac: Whatever. I know I look good.
Me: …
Isaac: Wanna go party? I’m headed inland. I’m gonna be cool about it, though.
Me: Oh yeah? First time for everything, I guess.
Isaac: Yeah, I’m gonna be totally cool. Waltz in, water some plants, blow around a little just for show, then head on out.
Me: Sure you won’t get all drunk and pick up people’s cars and crush their neighbors’ cats with them?
Isaac: Hey, I’ve NEVER done that. Sure, some people in my family have, but I’m my own man, okay? Besides, people in my family are famous so, you know…crazy works.
Me: Yeah?
Isaac: Uuhhh…YEAH. Katrina? Ring any bells?
Me: Of course it rings bells. Everyone freaking hated her. HATED her. She was maybe the most terrible thing ever.
Isaac: She wasn’t that bad.
Me: Have you lost your mind?! She killed a TON of people. A TON of them. And destroyed like, ALL the houses in New Orleans.
Isaac: You know what? You’re so judge-y.
Me: Yeah, I guess I am.
Isaac: Hey, hey! Baby, baby, baby…
Me: Ick. Stop calling me baby.
Isaac: Baby, come on baby.
Me: Fine. What?
Isaac: Shhhhh, shhh, shhh…shuuuush. Baby, don’t be so hard on yourself. We all have problems.
Me: Ugh…you’re so gross.
Isaac: So gross that you like it?
Me: No.
Isaac: Oh, I see…so gross that you LOVE it. You love it gross, huh baby?
Me: Ohmigod, no! You’re so pervy! How is it even possible to be that pervy?
Isaac: Hey! Don’t you go running your mouth off, woman, or I swear I’ll pick up a tree and rip your face off with it!
Me: Holy crap! Calm down!
Isaac: I’m sorry, baby. We’re getting closer to land. You know how I get…come rub my goatee.
Me: No. Thanks. I’m good.
Isaac: Fine! I’m gonna go get with that peninsula over there and we’re gonna have a ton of baby tornadoes together! Then how will you feel!? You’ll feel terrible!
Me: You’re an a-hole.
Isaac: Your face is an a-hole!
Me: Fine. My face is an a-hole. Are we done here?
Isaac: Yeah. Yeah we are.
Me: Great.
–
Hurricanes—they’re a bunch of a-holes. Stay safe out there, people.
Geof Smith
/ September 1, 2012That was awesome, what a Category 1 a-hole!
becca3416
/ August 30, 2012Isaac does sound like a pervy man with a bad goatee. I giggled.
kate
/ August 29, 2012http://www.npr.org/2012/08/29/160252153/a-linguists-serious-take-on-the-a-word
Kristen Mae
/ August 29, 2012Your brain… is SCARY awesome.
Melanie Crutchfield
/ September 6, 2012Right freakin back at ya.
normalfornorfolk
/ August 29, 2012I have out of control laundry too! Underwear is the worst, I swear it runs away & hides…Oh, wait..maybe my cats are eating it!
Melanie Crutchfield
/ August 29, 2012There might be something wrong with your cats.
normalfornorfolk
/ August 29, 2012haha! Can animal psychologists treat cats with a fetish for ladies underwear do you think?
outlawmama
/ August 29, 2012This is Brillz.
mathetos
/ August 29, 2012Tip #1 when you’re an amazing super-famous blogger. Don’t make your a-hole hurricanes look like relatives (shaggy hair, bulgy eyes, gotee… I get it sis!). Especially the ones that love you.
Melanie Crutchfield
/ August 29, 2012Ha! Don’t worry. You’re much better looking. Plus, your right eyebrow isn’t half off your face, so you’ve got that goin’ for ya.
Kristen Mae
/ August 29, 2012@ Mathetos: LMAO!!!!!
nataliedeyoung
/ August 29, 2012Digging the illustration. I like how his face is purple, like he’d already been drinking too much…
Melanie Crutchfield
/ August 29, 2012Yeah, hurricanes hit the sauce pretty early in the day.
jerrodkc74
/ August 29, 2012Looks like Isaac is also a grape.
Grapes aren’t so tough.
Melanie Crutchfield
/ August 29, 2012Yeah, that’s the coloring the weather service uses. Personally, I would have gone with a pattern of broken glass and frowney faces. I guess purple is a little easier.
Alexandra Rosas (@GDRPempress)
/ August 29, 2012Hehe. Laughing, “How can you be so pervy?”
Will use that line today, on someone, I just have to.
Melanie Crutchfield
/ August 29, 2012Great idea. I don’t think you’ll regret it. (Though there’s no telling with advice from me.) Be sure to report back. For posterity.
Kenja
/ August 29, 2012Ugh! I knew hurricanes WERE a-holes, but I had no idea they were sleezy, leisure suit wearing a-holes!! On a related note, I think I dated him.
So, just wondering what kind of conversations you have with your laundry…or is that another post?
Melanie Crutchfield
/ August 29, 2012Mostly a lot of yelling at single socks, “You ARE your brother’s keeper!”
Kenja
/ August 29, 2012Hahahaha! Does that work? I’ll have to give it a shot!