Vengeance Shopping

dino kart

Photo By mugley @ Flickr

Sometimes life is just…ugh…what’s the word? Obnoxious, I think. I would say “ironic” because I think it might apply here, but I have a crippling fear of the word now that everyone has misused it to death and I never feel like I’m using it right. But here’s the deal…I started the Hope 2012 Relay (with 50+ posts now) right as I was teetering on the edge of something dark and hairy and overwhelming in my own life. I didn’t really know that at the time. Sure, I had been a little sulky, but that’s why a fun, communal project on hope is such a good idea, right? Right, Brain?  Right?

Brain: Nope. …And screw you. A lot.

Ummmm…okay. So, what now? Well, what happens at that point is that my mind spirals down into something that I didn’t even know was there. There’s just a lot of anxiety, and scowl-y faces, and probably a yellow-toothed emotional rat of some kind…shit’s all crazy, is what I’m saying. Shit. Is. Crazy.

I wasn’t sad about anything in particular, but everything I thought of seemed to make me sad. I wanted to sleep all the time. I certainly didn’t want to exercise. Daily writing? Gone. Learning a new language? Kaput. (Ha, that’s German. Funny.) Training my brain to be smarter? No thank you. All of the things that I had been doing that made me feel awesome and empowered and inspired were locked off in some secret place, guarded by the aforementioned emotional rat. Ratty, I call him.

After a while, I saw that I had been heading in a not-so-good direction for some time. Honest and truly, I still don’t know why. It’s like I was standing on emotional quicksand and I was just livin’ life, chattin’ it up and then thought, “Hey, what’s this sandy stuff in my mouth?” And what do you even do at that point? In the movies, the cowboy or whatever would grab on to the just-out-of-reach reigns on his horse, then yell “Go, boy! Go!” and he’d be dragged to safety. I don’t even know what the emotional equivalent to that is, so I was kinda screwed.

So one day, instead of lying in my bed some more, the fam and I decided to get a coffee and take a long drive by the coast. Out of desperation, I ordered a half-caffeinated coffee, because I’ve noticed in the past that sometimes a little caffeine can boost my mood. And at that point, I’d try anything. Well, not a cocaine smoothie, but, you know…a half-caffeinated mocha.

And, you know what? It did. Just a little. Just a teensy, eensy bit. A little, hairline crack appeared in my emotional tomb, and I decided to shove something in it.

After dinner, I loaded my sad, yet determined self into the car. We needed bread, cotton balls, fudge pops and—to save me from certain catastrophe—caffeinated coffee. But that wasn’t all I was going to do. I was going to shop like I meant it. I was going to shop like shopping was the way to kick life in the nuts and tell it to screw off for beating me up so bad. I was going to shop with VENGEANCE.

I pulled into the parking lot, cursing at all the poor parking jobs (seriously, people…there are LINES. It’s just like coloring. Just stay between the lines.). But that wasn’t going to stop me. I pulled into my spot, jerked the e-brake on and bolted out of the car, purse in hand.

I got a cart, because I wanted to have the option to fill it all the way up if I wanted. I mean, what if I wanted a family pack of goldfish crackers? Right? And a small fan? We need a fan. I needed a cart to put goldfish crackers, and a fan, and a ream of paper into if I wanted. Also, I needed to lean on that thing all hunched over like a crazy person like I didn’t give a shit because I needed to not give a shit and I needed everyone to know it.

I circled around the make-up aisle for a long time. Think I’m stupid for circling around, shoppers? Huh? I don’t care. Look at me circle! I’m going to read ALL of the labels on ALL of the “primers” because I don’t really know what that is, but I know I want to buy it, so you’re gonna have to just calm down, okay? Yeah, that’s right.

Then I looked at the organizational stuff. Maybe I’d buy a little organization box for the crap pile that always gathers on the counter. Maybe I’ll buy those shirt perfume beads that I saw on TV! Maybe I’ll buy cinnamon mouth wash! Who’s going to stop me?! WHO!?

Oh, damn. They don’t have cinnamon mouth wash.

…But the sentiment’s still there! Imma buy 200 jumbo cotton balls. And a $5 necklace and earring set (thank you China) that has a wing, and a heart with the word “Love” on it, and a sparkly thing. I’m gonna put them on in the car and when I look at myself in the mirror, I’m going to know that behind those eyes—that have cried far too much lately—are the words, “You know what, Depression? Me and my wing necklace think you should screw right off.”

So, for now, I’m gonna sit here, wearing my wing-heart-sparkle necklace and my little shiny studs, drinking coffee and eating a fudge pop like a badass.

Be sure to stay tuned for the upcoming closing ceremonies for HOPE 2012: a Blog Relay! And, heck, might as well subscribe, right? Go, boy! Go!

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19 Comments

  1. Can I say that this is just awesome! I’ve been fooling myself that I’m not depressed lately (after losing my job and I have till Sept. 6th to find a new one) and I’ve been going about life as normally as possible. However, the kicker is that I’m tired all the time! All the time! I was wondering if I should blog about it, cause I try yo stay away from more personal things, but now I think I will. Thanks! And let’s kick depression’s ass!

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  2. Oh my gosh, I love this post so much! I have so been there, just living and not even realizing you were standing in quick sand until you can taste it. Coffee and shopping is a great combo, I love it! Keep circling the isles. You, your coffee and sparkle necklace are cool as f*ck!

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  3. I thought that drinking green smoothies and doing tons of plank push-ups and calling myself the fierce diva would get rid of my rat and put me in badass mode forever, but no such luck. Although I must say that coffee and a little vengeance shopping has done me right in the past – at least for a few hours, until realize how much I’ve taken out of my bank account for goldfish and jumbo cotton balls.

    Hang in there, mama. It sucks but there is a light on the other side…

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  4. I think we would make good shopping buddies lol.

    Really though, depression sucks, I’ve been in that place before, hope you’re feeling better soon!

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  5. maybe you should go read some of those hope essays while eating your pop and drinking your coffee. might just fill a crack.

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  6. anotherjenb

     /  August 10, 2012

    You are a badass! Depression just sucks. I wish we could run it over with a car.

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  7. You go girl! That is some serious shopping therapy. I can tell I’ve spent too much time on the internet today because I was like ‘e-brake’ she has an e-brake? How do I get an e-brake? Everything these days is E! But then I realized that’s how one might abbreviate the word emergency…duh. Keep on doing whatcha gotta do…except for the cociane smoothie, probably a good choice to avoid that one. Caffine and cotton balls seem doable.

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  8. Emma

     /  August 8, 2012

    The timing of this post is strangely convenient. Maybe I ought to go get a cup of coffee. You’re the BAMF of my week, ma’am.

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  9. Keep fighting. In all areas, keep fighting.

    Also, cinnamon mouth wash sounds absolutely horrible. Never right those words again.

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  10. I’m pretty sure my problem is that I’m allergic to caffeine, so I have to resort to a cocaine smoothie to try and lift up the fog of depression. Kidding (not about the caffeine thing, but the cocaine.)

    But in all seriousness, depression’s a bitch. Thanks to your Hope Relay I have been forced to reevaluate some things of my own and plan on writing a follow-up post to the first. The thing is, with depression, the hardest step is actual doing…anything. Getting up and getting coffee, shopping, writing–all these things are a small step towards lifting that fog. It’s hope. Great post ;)

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    • The hardest step is doing anything? I’ll second that. Yeesh. But I am taking small steps, and the fog seems to be lifting a little. One day at a time.

      Looking forward to your follow-up post!

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  11. You are awesome. And I want a fudge pop. Is that wrong? I knew I’d love your blog the first time I read it and I was right (gosh, I’m good). I hear you on the depression and hope you move through it quickly and with a lot of love for yourself. Here’s to shiny, pretty jewelry, big boxes of Goldfish and the deep good cries that help move us to the other side.

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  12. Go, badass, go! You eat that fudge pop – you eat it good.

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