Head in Hands by Alex E. Proimos, on Flickr
The internet teaches us new lessons every day. There are nuggets of knowledge littering every IP address and data package from here to Nauru and back. Being the perpetual student that I am, I keep my ear to the ground and my eyes peeled for whatever enlightening bit the internet wishes to reveal to me and…I’ve finally discovered the #1 lesson that it has to offer:
Everyone is Better Than You at Everything
Yes. It’s true. Whatever you’re doing, you’re not doing it very well. There are many, many people—droves of people, really—doing what you’re doing, but better. For instance…
People Are Better Than You at Parenting
Whether they’re tiger mom-ing, French mom-ing, attaching themselves, or detaching themselves—WHATEVER they’re doing, it’s better than what you’re doing. They run play groups. Moms breastfeed their children in public until they’re 5 years old without batting an eye. Dads coach the soccer team and build tree houses fit for the queen. They’re masters of cognitive development. Of discipline. Structure. Diapering. At-home science projects. Themed birthday parties. Whatever there is to be done as a parent, they’re doing it better than you. You might as well ship your kid to the zoo. You’re doing a terrible job.
People Are Better Than You at Home Decorating
Sure, you have decent furniture. You have a photo or two matted and framed. You have an accent wall. It’s like you’re not even trying. Because you know what? People are decorating the crap out of their homes. People are out there, upcycling, DIYing and ombre-ing every surface in sight. They’ve woven chic waste baskets out of plastic bags. Their laundry rooms are like five-star hotels for dirty socks. Where you see a box of plastic spoons, they see a custom-painted, hand-made chrysanthemum mirror. Every last item they own is coordinated, organized, arranged and exhibited with the perfect blend of exactitude, whimsy and glamour. Your home, to these home decorating mavens, is little more than a “before” picture. How do you sleep at night in that?
People Are Better Than You at Working Out
People are doing it to it out there! They’ve got pithy sayings. They’ve got fancy shoes. They’ve got health shakes. They’ve got gym memberships. They’ve got ROCK! HARD! ABS! When the going gets tough, they don’t cry like you do. They don’t sweat like a weenie, they sweat like it’s their JOB. When they sweat, they say, “Sweat is fat crying! Yeah! Air kick!” Then they do some bicep curls and drink a gallon of lemon-cucumber-mint detox juice. Where the heck is your detox juice? Nowhere. That’s where.
People Are Better Than You at Being Productive
How are people managing being better than you at parenting, home decorating AND working out? Simple. They’re better than you at being productive. They have lists. They have organizational structures for said lists. They have techniques. They get up early. They power nap. They multitask teleconferences while bleaching their kitchen grout and whipping up a crock pot meal. They could live your entire life on Tuesdays alone. In fact, it’d be best to just try to slip your laundry in with theirs, or try to sneak your to-do list onto their fridge because—let’s face it—that’s about as close as you’re gonna get to being even half as productive as these life masterminds.
So there you have it: evidence that every single person on the internet is doing everything better than you. Of course, there’s also the possibility that people don’t photograph, post, or describe in elegant detail the shitstorm that happens before and after the shutter clicks. There’s a teensy, weensy chance that the internet doesn’t show us real people—it shows us über-people; people at their highest moment, with no trace of failure, messiness, or inelegance. It’s that, or you’re the worst possible human ever. One of the two.
Monica
/ August 29, 2012hilarious. Absolutely spot on funny. it’s how I feel EVERY DAY when I start to browse the internet. Major suckage.
toughlittlebirds
/ August 2, 2012So true, and so funny! Love it!
Ria
/ July 22, 2012Great post, I’m really enjoying your blog!
My latest FB gripe is definitely with Instagram…I’m sick of seeing ‘friends’ post pics of their Instagramed lunches, pretty pets, freshly painted walls, organic vege patches and clean children, lol…its like rubbing salt in the wound
debsimms
/ July 20, 2012Reblogged this on debsimms and commented:
You’re doing a terrible job!
CubicleViews
/ June 10, 2012Found you/this via Studio 30 Plus…glad I did.
At first thought I was like, “Happy Sunday. Confirmation that I suck.”
Then on second thought I realized, “Woo hoo! I’m average or dare I say maybe even slightly above? Sweet! Happy Sunday!”
Melanie Crutchfield
/ June 10, 2012Happy Sunday, indeed. We’re all alright.
nikkiana
/ June 9, 2012So true. I think sometimes it all starts to blend together too…. I tend to think of the Internet as being some sort of super person that does everything awesome because there are so many people talking about that one thing that they do they awesome that I forget that they’re not all the same person. That one probably makes me weird.
Melanie Crutchfield
/ June 10, 2012Aaaahh! A super person! A giant, shaming, lip gloss covered, muscular, crafty super person. She/he is the worst.
Stacey
/ June 9, 2012Pretty much every Facebook update and blog post of my sister’s is about how many miles she ran / burpees she did / Insanity workouts she finished before breakfast. But I don’t wear those weird shoes with individual toes, so in my mind, I’m winning.
Melanie Crutchfield
/ June 10, 2012I refuse to do an insanity workout ever. Never, ever, ever. I’ll stick to my lazy person exercises, thank you. And yes, those ape-looking toe shoes never looked good on anyone. Dodging a bullet.
hollow tree ventures
/ June 9, 2012That, my friend, is not fat crying, it’s my eyes watering from trying not to laugh out loud, because if I do I’ll wake the baby who’s sleeping on my lap because I never taught her to sleep in a crib alone because I SUCK, which makes me want to eat cookies that I didn’t bake myself with wheat flour because I SUCK, and then wipe my slovenly mouth on the sleeve of the shirt I bought at Target instead of weaving it myself from the wool of a free-range hand-fed Himalayan goat because I SUCK. Anyway my point is, thanks for the laughs.
Melanie Crutchfield
/ June 10, 2012Ha! Oh gracious, yes, do you have a lot of work to do. Oh, and btw…it’s not enough to use wheat flour. You have to buy wheat berries and grind them into flour by hand. Just in case you really wanted to not suck.
misssrobin
/ June 9, 2012I think you might be onto something in your last paragraph. Great post.
Have a great weekend. Stopping by from SITS.
Melanie Crutchfield
/ June 10, 2012Thanks!
Kari
/ June 9, 2012I love this post! I especially feel unworthy now that I’m on Pinterest all the time, LOL! All those gorgeous people wearing fabulous clothes and making delicious food and working out and crafting and coming up with funny quotes…came over from SITS to say happy weekend to ya!
Melanie Crutchfield
/ June 10, 2012Oh yes. There’s nothing quite as effective for self-esteem bashing as the facebook/Pinterest combo.
My Pixie Blog (@MyPixieBlog)
/ June 9, 2012WOW, am I ever happy I stopped in here today. This is all so very true. I almost hate going on the internet sometimes because I see these DIY projects and then I look around at my shoebox apartment and wonder where in the hell I would put a super easy twine basket or I stumble upon a “I just ran 15K!” status update after I posted my hangover cure… But you know: It’s always a matter of perspective. I’m happy to be where I am, imperfections and all.
Stopping in from the Weekend Spotlight on Studio30Plus. Thanks for a great post and for a much-needed laugh this morning
Melanie Crutchfield
/ June 10, 2012Thanks for visiting! I don’t step out my tiny apartment door to run a 15K either. I’m fine with it. Kinda. Most of the time.
motheringfromscratch
/ June 9, 2012{Melinda} I believe I might just go into a corner and crawl into the fetal position after reading this.
I think the Internet is Christmas letters on steroids. You know how every year you get letters from friends you rarely see who tell you have absolutely spectacular this lives are and how their children are perfect and their business life is going fabulously. 
I think we’re all a little messy, whether we’re willing to let the world see it or not. (And usually they see it even if we don’t think they do!)
Thanks for giving me a smile … love your humor. Visiting from SITS (and you shouldn’t have been nervous … you’re great.)
Melanie Crutchfield
/ June 10, 2012Thanks so much! And the Christmas letters analogy is great. Ahh, the days when we only got those nasty comparisons once a year…
Kristen
/ June 9, 2012Love it! A few months ago I went on a rant about how Facebook is evil and will destroy your self-confidence because you only see the good and rarely ever the bad. I try to remember this when I see someone who is a million times better than me, but it’s hard.
Melanie Crutchfield
/ June 10, 2012People aren’t better, they’ve just edited *really* well. If you could edit your life and only experience the awesome parts, you’d probably be feelin’ pretty good about yourself!
Raejean
/ June 9, 2012Your humor keeps things in perspective; life’s not a competition. I know I keep plenty of my junk off my blog, and try to remember other people are doing the same. It is fun using their ideas and letting the neighbors think I’m cool!
Melanie Crutchfield
/ June 10, 2012We’re all still trying to be cool. Is there an end-date for that? Like, ever?
Marie
/ June 7, 2012And you know what’s worse? You know what’s worse than the über productive beating me at being productive? If I want to show my crazy, somebody will out-crazy me. If I want to talk laziness, then the real lazy ones are out-doing me by being too lazy to even talk about it. If I’m mad, then there’s surely a lion growling in my face about something else. I can’t even be the best at being worst because there’s always worst too… Being average sure sucks.
Melanie Crutchfield
/ June 7, 2012Just add glitter. That way, you say, “I’m lazy.” Then ol’ Lazy McThelaziest says, “But I’m the laziest!” Then you’ll say, “Yes, but I’m lazy…with GLITTER!” [insert unsettling laugh] I’m doing sequins, so we won’t be in competition.
pianuts
/ June 6, 2012This made me laugh out loud – sooo true! Thank you for this great post. You blogged better than I could ever blog!
Melanie Crutchfield
/ June 7, 2012“You blogged better than I could ever blog!” Ha. Yeah, I can’t tell you how many times I thought that. Endless options to judge ourselves!
Erin
/ June 6, 2012This completely delights me.
Melanie Crutchfield
/ June 6, 2012Happy to delight, Erin. (p.s. you and your fam are UH-dorable.)
Carrie
/ June 6, 2012Hilarious! I love reading (and sharing) your blog articles!
Melanie Crutchfield
/ June 6, 2012Thanks Carrie!
denise@victory rd
/ June 6, 2012“They could live your entire life on Tuesdays alone.” so true. i’m learning not to keep up with the internet’s better than me. learning to tune them out. it’s hard.
you’re awesome.
you are better at all of them at wittiness and cracking me up. boo yah!
Melanie Crutchfield
/ June 6, 2012It IS hard. And you’re awesome too. We’re awesome. Yay for us! (Also…2.8 lbs down today!)
Ali
/ June 6, 2012Yes… epic yes. Those uber-crafty uber-fit uber-organized people make me feel lazy fat and unorganized lol
Melanie Crutchfield
/ June 6, 2012Well, you probably are those things, Ali. I mean, with all your exercising and degree earning…geeze.
stephen
/ June 6, 2012Ah… a photoi of a sculpture of a desperate man
Melanie Crutchfield
/ June 6, 2012He really, REALLY wants that chrysanthemum mirror.
Chrissy Corrao
/ June 6, 2012This is so true. I have been thinking this for years. I sometimes think Facebook is there just to make you feel bad about what you have not accomplished…and all the cool people have…its like high school…but with really well taken pictures by people with fancy cameras.
Melanie Crutchfield
/ June 6, 2012Not to get TOO serious, but there was this crazy piece on how insecure girls interact with Facebook…it’s overwhelmingly sad. Basically: Facebook is a bit of a bully and it messes people up. I think you’re right—it is kinda like high school (sometimes complete with people from your highschool!).