Wait, Why Is This In My Mouth?

Apple with a Tape Measure - Dieting

Okay, so, at this very moment I am eating a “dessert,” and also trying to get the taste of said “dessert” out of my mouth. I am doing this because a) I’m on a low-carb/no-sugar/stop-eating-crap-like-it’s-good-for-you diet and b) crappy dessert is better than no dessert. Possibly. Possibly not. I’ll let you know.

Everyone is dieting right now because “bikini season” is coming (why is this a thing?!) and because our society has weird values. I’m not dieting with any desire for jamming my body into 3 ounces of fabric. Rather, I am dieting because I had a kid, came out of it 15 pounds heavier, then added 5 pounds of chocolate, wine and cheese to that and now 2 years later it’s probably a good idea to trim back my eating habits.

It’s not like I take care of my body and eat right, but my gut is full of unjust fat dictators that take over anyway. It’s like I eat whatever I want, whenever I want, I don’t exercise, and then I gain weight. Big surprise. You really can’t be upset about that. (Well, actually, I am a little upset about it, but I have lofty goals for my laziness and wine consumption.)

I started exercising, and I’m still doing that (much to my own dismay), but it’s time for the big guns. I need to actually limit the amount of food that goes in my face. Just a little. And perhaps try things other than chocolate, alcohol and bread products. Perhaps.

Plus, did you know that stomping around, dripping with sweat, frightening your neighbors with your grimaced face only burns 150 calories in 30 minutes? That’s a glass and a half of juice. It’s less than half an order of french fries. It’s a glass and a half of Pinot Noir (who’s the dummy that drank juice instead?). 150 calories in my day is like plankton in a whale’s mouth. It just flies right in there without so much as a blink of the eye. (And then I SHOOT IT OUT MY BLOWHOLE! Just kidding. I don’t have a blowhole. I just wanted to carry the analogy a little further. And say blowhole.)

At any rate, I’m on a diet. And holy mother, is some diet food gross. Well, actually, I think the gross part comes in when you try to recreate the experience of “bad” foods with sugar substitutes and other man-made demon poop.

Take, for example, “Stevia in the Raw” which I have paid money for and put in my mouth. It’s yucky. Super yucky. The capital of Yuckistan. I keep waiting to get used to it, but no. The box says that it has a delicious natural sweetness, but this, friends, is not true. It has an initial lack of sweetness, followed by a very aggressive sweet-like sensation that appears in your mouth after you’ve swallowed, and hangs around until it damn well feels like leaving. Well, isn’t that peculiar? And thoroughly unenjoyable.

Yesterday, I tried putting canned white kidney beans in my salad because one of the recipes said to and—ick. I also put in low-fat feta cheese, which just kind of tastes like ground up packing peanuts in watery milk. With salt. It was the grossest salad of all time.

But because I’m more tenacious than reasonable, I keep trying these recipes. I should just decide that a no-sugar, low-fat diet doesn’t involve sweets or elaborate salads with delicious cheeses, and be on my way. Stick to veggies in their God-given form. But I don’t. I think, “Maybe this is the recipe that changes my mind about this diet.” [Spoiler alert: it isn’t.]

Which brings me to now, eating a “mousse” of some kind made of low-fat ricotta cheese, Stevia, cocoa powder and decaffeinated coffee crystals. Oh, and vanilla.

It is unpleasant.

I just realized, though, that perhaps the diet people have a brilliant plan. If the idea is to get me off sweets, they’re totally Clockwork Oranging me. Like, every time I think of dessert now, I’ll think of this mealy, suspiciously sweet, mocha-flavored disaster and my lips will snap together like a clam making pearls for a wholesaler in the mafia. And it’s totally effing working.

Nice move, diet people. Nice move.

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16 Comments

  1. fourrharts@gmail.com

     /  June 8, 2012

    You are a great writer. I loved your humor all the way through! It had me laughing out loud!

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  2. Does Stevia know you’re eating her in your diet? Maybe eating bits of her daily is her weight loss program!

    I am a firm believer that love handles are the new slim. Join me in my cult. We eat dark chocolate because we believe it’s healthy. Plus my cult won’t force you to commit suicide…

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    • Of all the cults to be had, the non-suicidal types are my fav. Especially if they eat dark chocolate (which, by the way, is eventually allowed on my diet. I’m so excited I could kiss a squirrel.)

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  3. Candace

     /  June 2, 2012

    I totally chuckled to myself all the way through your post. If you are truly going low/no carb I can tell you the best dessert on earth. Whipped freakin’ cream. When I went low carb for a few months (back in the endless headache days, remember?) I ate a BOWL of whipped cream with six strawberries in it EVERY.DAY. I totally lost weight. If I recall correctly, there was totally zero limitations on things like cream. I will agree with Beth, I like Truvia, though I only use it in coffee.

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    • On this diet (South Beach) fruit isn’t allowed until week three. But you better believe that when week three rolls around I’ll be eating strawberries like I’m a cannibal, and strawberries are a dude with a delicious-looking face. There’s probably a better analogy for that.

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  4. I love to eat. And I love to eat bad things. Like donuts. And today is National Donut Day! The irony is not lost on me and I will continue to think about it as I’m doing my part and eating my frosted donut with sprinkles.

    It’s obvious I need to be Clockwork Oranged too.

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    • I discovered early this morning that today is National Donut Day. It’s making me cranky. Please eat a donut with a frightening voraciousness on my behalf. Thank you.

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  5. k, first of all, you should CALL me when you have questions about which stevia to buy. the ONLY stevia that tastes good (in my opinion) is truvia. everything else is super gaggy. secondly, you will totally drop pounds. you just will. you have never done anything remotely jarring to your metabolism so michael and steve better just watch out. you are going to be a metabolism machine. ah, the days when the low-carb thing shocked the body into weight loss. i remember them well, 8 years ago. just be careful. once you go low-carb, you can’t ever REALLY go back. only flirtations with carbs, but no real, lasting affair.

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  6. i did not make any of sbd’s (south beach diet or silent but deadly… you decide) desserts. i threw up in my mouth just thinking of them.

    at the end of phase 1, when you begin phase 2 and can have fruit your life will be better. your pallet will be happy.

    i have lost 9.4lbs.
    mr. supportive husband has lost 13.8 lbs.

    btw- i’m currently at b.l. and you should see the girls wearing bikinis! teenagers who make us look like anorexic supermodels. it’s great for my 1.5 years away from the big 4.0. self-esteem. i think you need to come stay at b.l. next week (i’m serious).

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    • Of course Michael dropped pounds like magic. That’s what Stephen does too. He’ll gain 5 pounds over the weekend, then two weeks later it’ll be gone, without any effort whatsoever on his part. Nice. (Also, would LOVE to come visit and see these girls with self-esteem of steel. & you, of course.)

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  7. Chrissy Corrao

     /  May 30, 2012

    You are doing this voluntarily? Why God why? They supposedly think I (of all people) have gestational diabetes…and it SUCKS! I have been on this no sugar low carb diet (plus walking 20 minutes after each meal and pricking my finger 4 times a day) for almost a month and it is awful! I am probably the only pregnant girl to LOSE 1-2 pounds a week in the 3rd trimester. But I guess if you really wanted to lose weight this would be the way to go. The first two weeks were the hardest….good luck my friend. Personally I plan to deliver this baby and then eat a cupcake!!

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    • OMG—gestational diabetes! A much more legit reason to go no-sugar, low-carb than “oops, I’m lazy and out of shape.” Hang in there. We shall eat cupcakes together!!

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  8. You said “mealy”. It’s one of my favorite words. And gross when it describes something in your mouth.

    I get you.

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