Okay, so this post is kinda serious. But I’ve had a few things on my mind and I wanted to write about them, so I figured it was best not to limit my voice here. I mean, in real life I’m not totally full of crap all the time. A good portion of the time, yes, but ALL the time? No. So if you were hoping for the usual absurdity, feel free to browse the archives, go get a Cadbury egg (they’re in stores all ready! Praise be!), and come back next week. I’ll probably be spouting some nonsense about music videos or my plans for my twilight years (hint: they include Bloody Marys and scaring children) or something like that. (Oh, also…thanks to Studio30 Plus for the writing prompt.)
Photo via Greg Timm @ Flickr
There’s a Weight Pulling On Me
I mentioned a while back that I’ve been doing some research on johns and prostitution and other unsavory topics for a project that I’m working on. I also mentioned that doing so will bum you out in a hurry. And it did. It does. It’s continuing to. I still don’t want to bombard you with the details of the research, because its kinda a topic that you want to be prepared to think about. Like, you don’t really want to be surprised by the darkness of it all. I’m a firm believer that surprises should be positive. That’s why, at surprise parties, everyone just yells in jubilee and smiles; they don’t throw ketchup and lizards at you. So I won’t be listing out all the details of the things that have been weighing on me, but I do want to talk about the weight itself. See, over time, each piece of data, each little story, each personal connection—they’re breaking down my ability to hold out hope for the soul of humankind.
As I grow older, it seems that more and more of the people and institutions that I trusted—that I revered—crumble and fall before my very eyes. Those that represented safety, goodness, integrity, and strength are found to have been corroded from within, their gleaming outsides eventually giving way to what had begun to die so long ago. Our news outlets are never in want for these tales of the fallen. The Catholic church stood brokenhearted in shame as its bastions destroyed the delicate hearts of parishioners. Evangelical pastors are found pursuing sexual relationships of all kinds outside their homes. Senators, governors—our public servants—are found to have forfeited the needs of their electorate for their own gain, serving themselves above all else. Teachers, parents, grandparents, businessmen, social workers—no one is off-limits. No one is sacred. Everyone is suspect.
Deceit. Betrayal. Scandal. Greed. Rage. Hubris. There are days when the endless torrent of our weakest moments threatens to drive even the most hopeful buoy to the depths of the sea. And that feeling—the feeling of unwillingly plunging into the abyss where the dark waters obscure even your own limbs—that feeling has hounded me.
Normally, I smile and say hello to people when I’m out on a walk. Normally, I make polite chit-chat with the checker at the grocery store. Normally, I keep my mind open to voices of wisdom and grace that might find their way to me. But these days, I find myself closing off…doubting…being afraid of what I can’t see in a man’s eyes. I have this sneaking suspicion that every person is just one second away from having their rotting interior exposed. And we will have one less good person in a world already short on goodness.
A Short Detour on Obligation and Boundaries
I don’t believe in obligation. I spent many, many years of my life doing things out of obligation because no one ever taught me about appropriate boundaries. The thing with obligation is that when you say yes when you want to say no, you end up hating whomever you said yes to. It makes you cranky. And bitter. And all kinds of nasty things. So, once someone did teach me about boundaries, I stopped doing things out of obligation. I only do things when I want to do things, even if someone makes a really sad face. Even if they think I’m a terrible person for not doing the thing. I would rather live and give genuinely than get caught up in the ugly snare of obligation.
And yet…
Over the last few days I realized that I do feel one obligation. An obligation that I will accept. An obligation that I will cling to, even if I don’t feel like it. Even if it’s hard. Even if my heart breaks a little.
I will be obligated, until death, to believe. To hope. I will never give up on a life, no matter how decrepit it becomes. I will never give up on love somehow finding its way through our diseased veins. I will never concede the fight and let my daughter live in a world that is too broken and damaged to be beautiful.
I call this an obligation, because at this moment, I’m not feeling inspired to believe. I don’t have that feeling that somehow good outweighs the bad; somehow light finds its way through the darkness. The great and powerful words delivered by sages of years passed are falling from my ears, unheard. I’m just having a hard time feeling goodness in the world. So that’s where I pledge my dedication. I pledge my obligation…
I’ll not let go.
I’ll not sink.
I will believe, dammit. I. WILL. Believe.
Brett Minor
/ January 31, 2012I worked as a dispatcher for the Sheriff’s office for two years and went through what you are going through. All I dealt with at work were the worst people in the area. I processed warrants, dealt with rape, murder, domestic disputes arson, kidnapping, you name it. Because of the files I had access to, I knew things about people I went to church with, my neighbors and everyone else. It became very easy to get cynical and see everyone as a potential criminal.
However, just because 90% of my time was spent dealing with these people, did not mean that it was true of 90% of the population. I had to purposefully seek out good and change my attitude before it swallowed me up. The world is reaming with good. The bad is undoubtedly out there, and people would be absolutely shocked to discover some of the secrets that are just below the surface, but the good is still there.
I feel for you and applaud the positive attitude that you are trying to maintain. Don’t give up hope. Without it, we succumb to the darkness and it is not a pleasant place to be.
Melanie Crutchfield
/ February 7, 2012Note to self: don’t work as a dispatcher in the Sheriff’s office. I worked in news monitoring once and it had the same effect. Except for the puppy of the week. That was always uplifting. Thanks for the encouragement!
Lori Di
/ January 31, 2012It’s only natural that when you’re engrossed in a topic such as your project, there is a possibility to sink into hopelessness. I have a therapist friends who tells me that she can sink into despair by listening to so many other peoples despair. She needs an outlet too, and needs to speak with other therapists otherwise the world will look like there is no goodness. It’s good that you’ve decided to come here and express yourself, and double-good that you are sticking to your obligation of hope. Keep hanging in there and continue to express yourself … try to focus on something positive in each day.
Beth Herrera
/ February 1, 2012thanks love. felt like that was a little bit for me. because i’m self absorbed. but still…for now, i will cling to the idea that my most trusted friend is holding onto hope, and that somehow, i can too.
Melanie Crutchfield
/ February 7, 2012Of course you can. We will together.
Jonathan Gaurano
/ February 1, 2012This is beautiful.
“As I grow older, it seems that more and more of the people and institutions that I trusted—that I revered—crumble and fall before my very eyes. Those that represented safety, goodness, integrity, and strength are found to have been corroded from within, their gleaming outsides eventually giving way to what had begun to die so long ago.”
The flow and rhythm of these prose brought my readership-soul closer to this post. As much as I want to repeat (preach to the choir) about our news and media (blah blah) – I will instead tell you this:
Be like a child.
A child is filled with hope, filled with faith, filled with the innocence to believe. Society has yet to bombard them with propaganda telling them who, what, and how they should live there lives. All they know is what makes them happy and what makes them sad.
Looking through your writing, I’m understanding that when you write – you feel like a child again. Happy, hopeful, contempt. Keep writing. Writing, for you, turns you into the child we all aim to be… (:
mefinx
/ March 25, 2012Your writing style is very accessible but at the same time beautiful and profound, without being at all trite. It’s a rare gift. Hang on in there. We all do our little bit to make the world a better place. As the old hymn said, ‘You in your small corner, and I in mine.’