Exercising Makes Me Want To Murder Woodland Creatures

Exercising with Good Housekeeping

I hate all of this. Even the faux-bowling. Photo via kevin dooley @ flickr.

I hate exercising. I really do. I also misspell exercising (“excercising”?) almost every time I type it, which I think is due to my body revolting against exercise at every opportunity. My fingers feel it coming and say, “No way. Eff that stupid son-of-a-bitch word. We’re gonna screw it up.” (My fingers are quite foul-mouthed little appendages.)

I also hate being fat. Well, okay, I’m not fat. Yet. But I am carrying around 15 pounds (yes, it’s more like 20 pounds. Leave me alone!) that I wasn’t carrying two years ago and it feels like the runway to fat. Like my body is just turning on the engine and plotting the course to Fatville. There’s a layover in Lazytown in the Chocolate Province, with final destination in IHateMyself-istan.

Skinny

This is not an appropriate goal, ladies. Just sayin'. Photo via jon.bell @ flickr.

I can agree that nearly any woman born in the US has a tendency to have super wacky expectations for what her body should look like, but on the other hand, there’s a HUGE (Oops, pun. Oh well, I’m leaving it.) statistical likelihood that, if left to our own devices, we will become overweight. What kind of likelihood? According to NPR, 78% of adult women in the US will be overweight or obese by 2020. That number is 83% for men.

Holy bajolie! I don’t want to be in that majority! I want to be healthy and mobile and not at risk for diabetes, heart disease, gallstones, cancer, stroke, gout, arthritis, breathing problems and spontaneous combustion! (I might be wrong about that last one.)

So, what’s wrong with exercise, you ask? Everything! Screw you! (Sorry.) Ugh. I just hate it. First of all, I’ve always had a terrible cardiovascular system. I remember when we ran laps in grade school I felt like I was an asthmatic elephant stomping around our dirt track. I could hear my breathing echoing through my head and through the nearby trees. Birds jumped off their branches and looked at each other like, “What is wrong with that one?”A mother bird covered her little baby bird’s eyes.

Later in life I worked at a camp doing all kinds of outdoorsy stuff and I fancied myself a fit, active REI type. We camped out. We went on long hikes. We went rock climbing. On real rocks. Big ones. I bought a climbing harness, and had a helmet, and some climbing shoes. “On belay!” I’d say, like a nonchalant superhero, before mashing my fingers and body onto a slab of granite. Then I’d be like, “Uuuurrg! Aaarrg!” all groaning and scrambling and being super tough. (Fist pump!)

Then I realized that I hate basically all of those things. I prefer to move as little as possible, kinda all the time. And all those things are the opposite of that. REI is the mortal enemy of lazy people. It’s where active people go to plot their takeover of the world and buy gross tasting snack foods.

One time I saw some people walking early in the morning in these fun, black, cool looking outfits, and I thought maybe if I had an outfit like that I’d walk in the morning, too. So I bought an outfit and walked. Like, five times. Then I felt like my lungs were bleeding and decided I needed more quality time with my bed.

A few years later I put on my fancy outfit again to try “Couch to 5K” which is basically a program meant to get the uber-lazy running a 5K in 9 weeks. It’s a 30 minute or so combo of walking and jogging, and each week you add more jogging. I did week 1 for 6 months. On the podcast the guy said, “You should feel the efforts of your work, but not be tired or out of breath,” as I clasped my chest and heard my organs screaming, “No! God! Stop! Have you forgotten? We don’t do this!”

My best friend does P90X because she’s a badass and she can wrestle chupacabra with her Madonna-esque arms while doing burpees. She likes to exercise. It boggles my mind. Me? I do the “10 minute Fat-Blasting Dance Party” and fantasize about slapping that skinny instructor woman straight in the mouth if I ever see her in person. When my daughter was four months old, I propped her up on the floor next to me while I “exercised” and five minutes into it I pointed at her and said, “You…(gasp)…did…(wheeze)…this to me!!” Totally inappropriate.

How do you feel about exercising, citizens of the internet? Feel free to comment with your exercising secrets (though I can’t guarantee that I won’t scoff, eat a doughnut, point and the screen condescendingly and say, “No, Brenda, I won’t be doing that.”).

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30 Comments

  1. Oh, and diet food. Bleck! I’d rather eat my fingernails. Don’t tell me how few or how many calories something has in it, calories is a bad word. Soy ice cream, ever tasted it? It tastes like plastic that’s textured like ice cream. Diet soda pop, forget it. And anyone who goes on about “high fructose corn syrup” within earshot of me is looking to get screamed at and ignored as a dunce until further notice. Adult exercise is an absolute bore, and it’s because it’s being shoved down everybody’s throats that I have a problem with it. The only exercise I like is jumping on a trampoline or rebounder, and playing in a swimming pool (not swimming laps!) and of course, the adult playground idea. They need to lose the fet thing and make exercise fun so that we’ll actually want to do it, and not even think about burning calories or losing weight, and just let it happen naburally if it does, as a side-effect of our having fun. The food-cop agendas are also in league with the animal rights. You’ll find this out if you head over to consumerfreedom . com you’d be surprised at all the myths people have been spoonfed via the media.

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  2. NPR, figures, well, you know the media is so hung up on appearance and touting the stupid food-cop agendas. Garbage. As for exercise, unless and until they make exercise fun for adults, by getting rid of the gymn and the fat-phobia attached to the push to exercise, and replace that crap with adult-sized playgrounds with swings, slides and all that good fun stuff we used to play on as kids, exercise be damned. All that paranoid over being fat is just that. if people stopped obsessing over it and got real lives, they would be a lot healither. People can talk themselves and others into poor health, and the media is the worst for that.

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  3. faersay

     /  July 22, 2012

    I don’t care about not being George Clooney or an Olympic athlete, so I do nice soft exercise like Chigung. Makes you healthy, is easy in many ways, and there’s no gasping or bleeding lungs involved. You put a smile on my face this morning; will read more!

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  4. You have a bad attitude. Exercise *is* enjoyable.Yes everytime you go to exercise, it requires an actual exertion of your will.
    But exercise just gets more and more enjoyable, as you get better at it. And achieving your goals is enjoyable too.

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  5. Oh exercise. The very word gets my body ready to run… into a dark corner and hide. I hate the people who are all peppy when they exercise. I am most definitely not peppy when I exercise. I am staring at the instructor like a shark stares at a scuba diver in a shark cage. The only thing that I can do as far as exercise is walking on a flat surface and Zumba. I think Zumba is fun because it’s like you’re dancing.

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  6. Gee u are sooo funny! Im lying in bed and crying of laughter, trying not to wake my man next to me! By the way, i surf for exercise and i love it cause it doesnt feel like work, its so fun. I battle with any other exercise as well though..i have bleeding lungs too

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  7. I hate exercise, excercise, exersize and exoskeleton (eh?). Why do something that is so unnatural when you can do natural things instead, like eat?

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  8. Very funny and I can so relate. I do have a love/hate relationship with exercise. I do love it more than I hate it though. Took years to get there though!

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  9. Reblogged this on shannatothemaxx and commented:
    Hahahaha!

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  10. Hate it. Know I have to do it. And don’t do it. I’ll go for a long walk and think I should be in shape and skinny again. Plus I hate getting sweaty.

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  11. When I’m sitting in my bed reading for hours at a time, I clench and unclench my buttocks. It burns calories.

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  12. Great post! I love your writing, it always makes me laugh.

    I may happen to tolerate exercise… I’ve learned to keep it to myself though. I swear you can HEAR an entire room of people roll their eyes at the first mention of how nifty your new running shoes are.

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  13. YES! yes yes yes yes yes…. thank you for this incredibly validating post. Oh the humanity! Ok, my friend swears by yoga because of how mellow it is….. (can you feel my eyes rolling?) I think I might give it a shot, but without all the weird chanting and humming and channelling of Tom Cruise. Also, I love you :D

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    • I’ve always said that yoga is exercising for lazy people. I did Yoga for Dummies (logical choice for someone who abhors exercise) and it was the most tolerable thing I’ve ever done. And it’s kinda hilarious. Love you, too, Korina. I won’t stop you if you want to move down here.

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  14. I love exercising, and am a card carrying member of the REI.

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  15. Jillian

     /  November 29, 2011

    So Team Nance just read our first Crutchblog and it was like sitting right there with you. This is a great invention. Ok, so we have decided to “weigh in” on this topic. I am sooooo with you on the excercising thing. I have tried and hated everything. I used to lie to the PE teacher and make up reasons why I couldn’t do things like run or be active. It totally worked too. I became an incredibly lazy, yet very thin adult. Then I had kids and my whole world changed. Now I am carrying more weight than I care to admit. I tried everything and was so miserable. I hated walking, yoga, pilates, step aerobics, gym workouts. Ughh. It was awful, then I got a bike. I started riding just a couple of weeks ago and I am having a great time. My thighs have more muscle than I thought possible and I feel great. Cycling may not be for you, but you may find that one thing that you not only dont hate…you might actually enjoy.

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  16. Hah! Miss you, Noni :)

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  17. You might be one of my new favorite writers.

    You had be at bleeding lungs.

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  18. My body rebels against exercise every time I try. I can so relate to you on this point, and laugh while I do so. That burns calories, right?

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  19. hey now, just because i have large arms does not make them madonna-esque. thanks for the compliment nonetheless.
    so for my exercise suggestion, i will say i PROMISE you it gets easier. just start out small, doing something you enjoy, not something that feels like a punishment. don’t think about what you look like (cause damn, girl! you got it goin’ on!), but how well your heart and lungs are doing. if your lungs aren’t strong, you won’t be able to yell and scream at your husband and daughter, and we both know how therapeutic that can be.

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  20. tee

     /  November 29, 2011

    Get drunk + Dance = Exercise.

    Also, luckily for you exercise won’t make you skinny. http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1914974,00.html

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  21. Chrissy Corrao

     /  November 29, 2011

    I feel the exact same way. I know I am skinny but I need to do something physical just for my mental health….but I hate it. I intellectually know what I need to do but just can’t make myself do it…why? I will say this though, I am pretty sure I like swimming so much because one cannot sweat while swimming. And I look like a bad ass in my Speedo, goggles. and swim cap.

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  22. OracularSpectacular

     /  November 29, 2011

    Sometimes when I’ve been thinking about writing a post for a while, someone comes along and does it first, and even manages to make it funnier than I would have.

    Count it.

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    Reply
  1. Running Club with my Daughter | Matt Cromwell

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